JD's Forum

E-mail and newsgroups are great—it's a definite advance in human conditions that we can quickly communicate with people around the world. But for technical problems, writing a message costs you time, and then it costs you time to wait for a reply. After that it's necessary to check that the reply was actually what you wanted! E-mail and newsgroups can be expensive stuff to use for a quick answer.

There are plenty of netiquette guides about how to succeed with email. That's too namby-pamby, let's go straight for the gut: here's how you can increase the odds you won't get good results with email. That's always more fun to talk about... ;-)

1. Don't search. The info probably isn't out there, so someone should feed it to you.
2. Don't read. It's inconceivable that other people may have discussed exactly the same problem before. Besides, they all write too much anyway.
3. Post to the wrong group. If they really cared, they'd answer anyway.
4. Crosspost it. You're busy. It doesn't matter if people in different groups invest time in typing the same stuff for you, because you're a busy person.
5. Ask that answers be sent to you in private email. This is always popular, and shows that you're an important, busy person. (Bonus points: Crosspost to the private email of someone who helps others online, so they risk spending time on you privately even though someone else has already done so in the other public posts.)
6. Post anonymously. Most people build up credibility in a group over time, but you're different, you're special. Don't bother building up a brand for your name, because if people really cared, they'd jump at your say-so anyway.
7. Use a Subject line that shows how you feel. Titles like "Help!!", or "URGENT--need help now!", or "Tearing My Hair Out", or "Does anyone know...?", or "For geniuses only", or "Big nasty bug!?" are always more fun than titles like "Import progressive JPEG?", or "Debug my inner join?", or "Supported webcams?", or "Serial number won't take". Your title advertises for readers, so make it titillating rather than informative, because no one else uses titillating titles.
8. If you must, use a title with just a noun without any verb, like "Database" instead of "Installing MySQL". To really leave readers in the dark, use a noun which is the name of the newsgroup, like "Macromedia Flash".
9. Write a few paragraphs about how you're feeling, what you did, things you thought. Don't bother saving readers' time by asking them an answerable question... if they really cared they'd go through a few screenfuls of text.
10. Let the reader guess the question. It's always fun to start a message with "Okay, here's my question" and then write a couple of paragraphs which don't include even a single question mark.
11. If you must ask a question, make it something like "why" or "how come", instead of something practical like "how" or "what". It's more fun to debate the way the world is than to get on with the business of changing it as you'd like.
12. Include an attachment. This is especially good for email, where you can force people to spend time downloading that uncompressed JPEG of an alert dialog.
13. Say they can see the problem on your site, but don't actually tell them what the problem is. (Bonus points if you forget to include the URL here, and then include it later in a separate thread!)
14. If you get no response, then repost the exact same message. It's not possible that nobody could find a way to respond to your message, it's more likely that no one in the world happened to see the message.
15. When all else fails, start insulting people. That'll grab their attention, you betcha! 8)

Well, those are some things not to do if you're stuck. But people do get projects done regardless, and you can too. Here's a quick way to blast past barriers:

1. Think about what the problem really is. This is the hardest part, but it's the most productive too. Strip away parts of the big problem so you can focus just on the little piece that isn't working as expected. Try to test the problem in a new file with just that problem piece. Clear away all the non-essentials so that you've got just the problem itself in front of you. Often this alone will identify and solve the problem, fast.

2. If that doesn't clear it, then try to figure out what it is in the application that you're seeking to find out. Turn away from your own project for a moment, and turn in towards the general application that others use. Don't think about your particular experience, but think about how others would generally describe such a problem. This will make it easier to find reference documentation, easier to find past stories from others.

3. Once you've got the essential "how" or "what" question about the application, try searching the Macromedia Technotes for the info (via either Atomz or Google), because odds are very strong that someone else will have come across the same block too. If this doesn't give the info you seek, expand this to a general Google search. Sometimes you'll have to search with multiple terms to winnow away extraneous documents, but if you're stopped by some technical issue, then it would be rare that no one else has been blocked that way either.

   (Aside: Searching skills may be some of the most valuable skills we can develop. It takes imagination to picture where desired information may live, what else may be on a page that makes it easier to find, pursuing the same quarry through alternate terms and alternate engines.)

4. If no documents come up, then you may have a rarer or emerging issue. Search the Macromedia web boards or newsgroups for people who may have had a similar story. You'll have to pare away more of the results when searching conversations rather than documents, but this gives you the widest base of experience to draw from.

5. After that there's always the option to post a request to a forum. Choose the group carefully for best results, choose a title which will attract the person who knows what you're seeking to learn, and get right to the answerable question, or describe things in terms that others can reproduce. If you don't get a good answer, consider what in the message did not draw the response you hoped for.

People online really are very nice, and will try to help you if they can, but using the above steps will get you better results faster, and help you get that project back on track. (Uh, using the above latter steps, that is!) Next week: How to get rich quick on the internet selling Viagra and bust-enhancers through email to thousands upon thousands of interested participants... ;-)